Merry Christmas

So tonight is Christmas Eve. Tonight of all nights, when I should be snuggled into bed, saying my prayers and shutting off the light to sleep...I'm not tired at all, and quite frankly..I know why. God, You are a mystery to me...and it's ironic how tonight of all nights, that is running through my head. I think I'm starting to understand what it means to pursue You. You spent so many years in my past, always with one hand on my shoulder, pulling me back from pitfall after pitfall, picking me up off the ground, dusting me off, and sending me onward. And here I am now, and I feel like finally, I am at Your feet. In awe. Not only at the wonder that is Your glory and mercy and beauty...but what is Your mystery. I crave knowing You more intimately now. How awesome is it for me to be able to admit that freely. You KNOW that two years ago, I would have stabbed myself with a fork before admitting that I craved to know You more...as a top priority to anything else in my life. And now, I really don't want anything more. That is truly eye opening to me...

In my past, I put all my relationships before my relationship with You. Boyfriends, friends, peers, teachers, everyone...and You still pursued me. With every sunset, every sunrise, every door and opportunity that opened in my life, every time I was given the chance to see my grandmother one last time, You were pursuing me. You were trying to romance me. And I basically shut the door in Your face every time, because I craved the attention of humans more than of my Creator. I am ashamed to admit that, but it was true, and You know that.

I am in a relationship now, with a guy that I really don't deserve. He is absolutely amazing, and when I look at him, talk to him, see his actions towards others, it literally screams GOD. I have been praying for that for a long time...years. Thank you. Really...thank you. Ethan is a huge blessing in my life, and You have opened up my heart to him in ways that I didn't think were ever going to be possible again due to my past. I am terrified of falling in love again...but through every single step of that, You've been by my side, reassuring me it's ok in ways that I can't even describe yet. I haven't felt like this before.

I still can't wrap my head around everything. There are a few things that I will not write in this blog, because they are simply too intimate and personal for me to say. I am floored constantly by Jesus Christ and I am learning new things about my relationship with my God every single morning I wake up. Never in my life have I been able to say that I have been able to put a relationship with a guy BEHIND my relationship with Christ. As embarrassing as that might be, I am a selfish person when it comes to love..it is so much more easy for me to love others than to accept love from them. And all this time, the real thing I was struggling with, was accepting love from my Creator..the love I REALLY don't deserve, but am showered with anyways. That is humbling.

As far as my relationship with Ethan goes...although this is the first time that I can assuredly say that my relationship with a guy comes second to my relationship with God, that fact makes my relationship with Ethan that much more real, awesome, and important to me. The triangle analogy is true I've discovered...in healthy, solid, Christ-centered relationship -the closer the couple gets to God, the closer they get to each other. I really can't explain how I feel. I'm a jumbled up hot mess right now...but I can tell You one thing...I am blessed beyond belief this Christmas, in so many ways. And I am very excited for what lies ahead of me.

Merry Christmas.